A couple of years back and during a trip to St. Augustine, Florida as my wife and I were visiting her parents, we all went on an evening walk along the beach along one of the islands east of the city. As we were heading back to the car, we all commented how beautiful the sunset was. It was a great way to end a day of great fellowship, food, and conversation. Although the picture serves as a reminder of a good day that we all shared, it is simply a record of our perception of the sunset as it appeared that evening. Anyone who was not with us would simply look at that picture and see a sunset from the perspective the photographer wants them to have.
Oftentimes, we do the same thing when it comes to presenting ourselves. We present an image of what we want others to see and not who we actually are. We don’t want others to know we are in pain, are facing hardships, or struggling with real spiritual battles. We don’t want others to see our failures, our shortcomings, or self-doubts. What we do want them to see is our joys, our victories, our triumphs, and anything else that we thinks portray us from the perspective we want them to have. For some people, it goes beyond trying to impress others to the extent of actually fooling themselves. They see themselves as being a relatively good person; at one point I was one of scores that didn’t see anything wrong with the way I was living my life. I always prided myself in that I didn’t do many of the things that others did. It was a way to “justify” myself and my actions. Even after I accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior, I continued to lift myself up, to see myself from the perspective that God warns us against through the Old Testament prophet, Obadiah: The pride of thine heart hath deceived thee, thou that dwellest in the clefts of the rock, whose habitation is high; that saith in his heart, Who shall bring me down to the ground? Though thou exalt thyself as the eagle, and though thou set thy nest among the stars, thence will I bring thee down, saith the LORD (Obadiah 1:3-4).
Even the apostle Paul warned about our perception of ourselves and the deception it causes if our focus is not on Christ. He wrote to the church in Galatia: For if a man think himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceiveth himself (Galatians 6:3). Since the time I had accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my Savior until 2004, I had served as an interim pastor to a small church in Clifton Choctaw Community in Louisiana, as pastor of a small United Methodist Church in Clinton, Kentucky, as well as a Sunday School teacher, Wednesday night Bible Study coach, and song/worship leader and choir director for several churches from Germany to Kentucky. Although I was struggling with family issues, health issues, and other trials, I believed I could not be that bad since God had allowed me to serve him in all those capacities. What I couldn’t understand was that things were not going to get better until I chose to be real with my faith, to examine my life through the lens of the Bible, and to allow the Holy Spirit of God to direct my paths. Although I had presided over the Lord’s Supper and used I Corinthians 11:23-32 as a way to bring into mind the seriousness of this fellowship and communion with God, in my own life, I was not worthy to enjoy the type of fellowship I was claiming.
The pride of my heart had deceived me. Although I was a Christian and had been saved by the grace of God, my attitude had placed me where I could not spiritually grow, I could not be blessed, nor could I fully accept the grace that God so freely gave and continued to give me until I was forced to see myself from God’s perspective. As the apostle Paul wrote, all Christians at some point in their spiritual growth are faced with a simple but difficult truth: For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war after the flesh: (For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds;) Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ; And having in a readiness to revenge all disobedience, when your obedience is fulfilled (II Corinthians 10:3-6). Just because we are bound to this earth by our fleshly bodies, we are not to fight for the things that the flesh wants.
Even for Christians, the flesh wants justification for its lusts and its sinful deeds; as Christians and through the grace of Jesus Christ, we should not only avoid fighting for the fleshly desires we have but reject everything that comes between us and Christ. Even Job, a man that God allowed Satan to attack, was forced to examine himself for sins that kept him separated from God. As recorded in the book that bears his name, Job prayed to God: Only do not two things unto me: then will I not hide myself from thee. Withdraw thine hand far from me: and let not thy dread make me afraid. Then call thou, and I will answer: or let me speak, and answer thou me. How many are mine iniquities and sins? make me to know my transgression and my sin. Wherefore hidest thou thy face, and holdest me for thine enemy? (Job 13:20-24). Although Job had not committed any sin but was being tested by Satan for his unwavering faith in a holy and merciful God, his “friends” had accused him of having hidden sins and an impure heart; in their opinion, it was the only explanation they had to offer Job. Job began to examine his life and even called upon God to show him his unconfessed sins, impurities in his heart, and his disobedience so he could repent of it to restore that special fellowship he had with God.
I had my “breaking moment” in 2004 – I was going through what would lead to a second divorce, was deep in a custody battle with my first wife, and was trying to finish my M.A. and starting my Ph.D. – all in a six month period. I couldn’t understand what was wrong with God and why he was intent on allowing Satan to destroy me. Instead of seeing and understanding that the things that were happening were all based on decisions I had made without spending time in prayer, without considering whether I was in the will of God, or even if what I was doing was God’s plan for my life, I simply acted and then prayed that I had made the right choice. Sure, at the time I was sewing the seeds for what would bloom in 2004, I thought I was doing what God wanted using the logic that God would not have brought the opportunities I had taken if they had not been his will.
In early 2005, I reached my breaking point – I began to seriously question everything about my faith – and found an answer in several verses: Blessed are they that keep his testimonies, and that seek him with the whole heart (Psalms 119:2); Seek ye the LORD while he may be found, call ye upon him while he is near (Isaiah 55:6); and finally, The meek shall eat and be satisfied: they shall praise the LORD that seek him: your heart shall live for ever (Psalms 22:26). Yes, I had made a profession of faith and there was no doubt that I had accepted the Lord Jesus Christ as my one and only Savior; however, once I had accepted him, I never sought after him with my whole heart. I had to come to the understanding that without focusing on Christ, the natural condition of any heart is wicked: The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? (Jeremiah 17:9). I also had to realize another important lesson from Paul: Do ye look on things after the outward appearance? If any man trust to himself that he is Christ’s, let him of himself think this again, that, as he is Christ’s, even so are we Christ’s (II Corinthians 10:7). I didn’t actively seek him and his will for my life but instead, focused on what I wanted to do. What I needed to do from that point forward was to seek after him and his will, and even when I don’t understand it, rejoice in his perfect will and have faith that he has my best interests in mind. I had to examine myself, be sure of my salvation, and not focus on what others saw on the outside, but focus on what was inside me.
Since that moment, life has not been perfect but I have learned to rejoice through the trials as well as through the blessings. Spiritually, the Lord has allowed me to grow in ways I have never known or could have comprehended just a few short years ago. Instead of feeling a sense of dread or avoidance when running into fellow church members in town, I rejoice when I do so because my happiness is sincere and genuine. I enjoy a sweet fellowship with my Lord and Saviour in my prayer life, in personal devotions, and even personal Bible studies in ways that I never imagined possible. It has made me a better husband and father, more faithful in my church attendance, and more ready to fellowship and am more ready to share the gospel of Jesus Christ with others.
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