Hurt feelings happen to everyone and there is no one immune from experiencing the sting of them. A careless act, word, or deed from a close friend or family member has the ability to set us on an emotional edge. Sometimes the hurt is unintentional and is simply an act of ignorance or not clearly thinking; however, there are other times the hurt is deliberate and intentional. Regardless of if the hurt was intentional or not, it still does not change that we were hurt. What becomes more important than why we were hurt is how we choose to respond to the hurt.
Hurt feelings can cloud our judgment
The apostle Paul wrote, Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath (Ephesians 4:26) and this is good advice. Wrath, mostly associated with extreme anger, is any intense emotion that brings us to the extent we begin to target others for retribution. Hurt feelings can lead to the development of wrath if we allow ourselves to hold on to them long enough. Hurt feelings can cloud our judgment in many ways, often lowering our inhibitions. Things we normally would not do suddenly can become appealing – especially if we believe they will help us get even with whomever we believe did us wrong. The longer we foster the hurt feelings, the harder it becomes to avoid the desires to “get even.” Being formally trained in the books of the Old Testament, I believe the apostle Paul was simply taking a couple of David’s verses to heart: Stand in awe, and sin not: commune with your own heart upon your bed, and be still. Selah (Psalms 4:4) and Cease from anger, and forsake wrath: fret not thyself in any wise to do evil. For evildoers shall be cut off: but those that wait upon the LORD, they shall inherit the earth (Psalms 37:8-9). Just in these three verses there is so much wisdom given in how we are to handle hurt feeling.
When we feel that we’ve been wronged, our judgment becomes clouded as our fleshly nature begins to influence our thoughts. Again, Paul addresses our dual nature – the nature of Christ that dwells in us through the Holy Spirit and the fleshly nature that we were born with – That ye put off concerning the former conversation the old man, which is corrupt according to the deceitful lusts; And be renewed in the spirit of your mind; And that ye put on the new man, which after God is created in righteousness and true holiness (Ephesians 4:22-24). The Holy Spirit, through the writings of Paul, is pleading with us to avoid doing the things that our flesh desires when our feelings have been hurt. Just as the Holy Spirit, through the writings of David, pleads with us to take our hurt feelings to the Lord, to commune – or share – our pain with Him, and allow Him to take care of it, the same Spirit pleads with us to put on our new nature and to forsake the old, sinful, and fleshly nature.
David wrote, fret not thyself in any wise to do evil (Psalms 37:8b) as a reminder that no matter how hurt we are we are not do evil to others, including the person or persons that hurt us. When we are living in the flesh it is easy to do just that. In fact, if we look at modern entertainment, there are hundreds of movies, television shows, and music that focus on some character getting even with someone else at any cost. I’ve taught at the college level now for nearly 12 years and am always amazed at how far some people will go to “get even” with someone else – all because they had their feelings hurt or were otherwise embarrassed. Again, David writes to us not to worry ourselves over getting even with those that have hurt us. As children of God, we are called to let Him handle these things; again, Paul highlights this very thought of God handling it as he wrote, Recompense to no man evil for evil. Provide things honest in the sight of all men. If it be possible, as much as lieth in you, live peaceably with all men. Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord. Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head. Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good (Romans 12:17-21).
Taking our hurt to the Lord
One thing that is clear from the writings of Paul and David is that no matter how small or insignificant our hurt is, God does care. It takes a great act of faith to do what we know the Lord wants us to do. He wants us to share our hurt and our pain with Him. He wants us to let Him handle it, and He wants us to put our complete faith in Him. It’s difficult when you feel that someone has emotionally sucker-punched you to simply say “Lord, here’s how I am feeling and I give it to you…” and walk away. It takes real strength to say, “Lord, so-and-so did this and it really hurts; please help me deal with it…” and leave it in the Lord’s hands, but that is exactly what He expects us to do. The Bible teaches us that in times like these, we simply need to Be still, and know that I am God (Psalms 46:10a) and we need to remember what Jesus taught: Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Fear ye not therefore, ye are of more value than many sparrows (Matthew 10:29-31).
Within these posts I share with you, there is nothing discussed in them that I do not put into regular practice in my own life. A while ago, I had someone hurt me but instead of allowing myself to fester over it, I took it directly to the Lord. In my prayers to Him, I asked for the grace to forgive them and to not hold them to the hurt feelings they had caused me. I also asked the Lord to forgive them, and that I was going to let the entire event rest in the Lord’s hands. While I admit, in the past I have prayed a similar prayer when I’ve been hurt, this time I decided to really leave it in the Lord’s hands. Every time Satan stoked my fleshly nature, instead of dwelling on it, I would simply hand it back over to the Lord. What happened was that the Lord took away my feelings and gave me complete rest. Instead of worrying about it, I was able to find comfort and joy in obedience to the Lord.
I believe there are reasons why the Lord wants us to carry our hurts onto Him and not handling them ourselves. One of the main reasons that stands in my mind is that we only see one side of the equation. We may never know the reason that someone else said or did whatever it was that hurt us – perhaps it was something as simple as no real thought was put behind it to something as complex as them simply wanting to stir the pot. Whatever the reason is, we can only speculate and it is within our human nature to always look for the worst in other people when it comes to trying to rationalize what they did. Another reason is that we may not be their real target; Jesus taught If the world hate you, ye know that it hated me before it hated you. If ye were of the world, the world would love his own: but because ye are not of the world, but I have chosen you out of the world, therefore the world hateth you (John 15:18-19). We are as close to Jesus as they will ever get. The other reason is that the Holy Spirit may be working in the life of the person who has hurt us. They may be feeling hurt themselves, with the presence of the Holy Spirit bringing conviction into their life. We simply happen to be a target of opportunity.
In either of these cases, what would be accomplished by yielding to the flesh and getting even? If it is the Holy Spirit at work in the life of the person who has hurt us and we strike back at them, then we have successfully taught them that Christians are no better than those who are lost that need salvation. We have now hindered the work of the Holy Spirit in their lives and may be the reason they ultimately reject the gospel. If it is a word or deed that has been said or done out of simply not thinking, again I must ask, what have we accomplished? More hurt feelings? More strife between members of the family of God? More division within the church? I believe this is why Jesus taught, Ye have heard that it hath been said, An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth: But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also (Matthew 5:38-39). It takes someone who walks close with the Lord to be able to turn the other cheek. It is the complete opposite of what our flesh wants to do but what joy and peace it brings when we simply take our hurts, from the small ones to the large ones, to the Lord.
